just when i think im not fallen for the girl anymore she does something that creeps within me and settles down and warms me all over.

it keeps my elbows warm and loose and my knees unlocked.

those muscles in the neck leading to the shoulders untense, if only for a moment.

and then i know. i'm not over her.

maybe i can handle it easier. maybe the idea of her marrying and living her life with someone other than me is easier to swallow.

maybe i can feel warm rain against my skin and not think of her right away.

maybe i can talk to her, hear her laugh, and not wonder what good deed i did to deserve that, considering all the shitty deeds ive done before.

and maybe im fooling myself.

i sit and i say that if she, one day, woke up and called me and said i have fallen in love with you, i would kick her ass.

she doesnt deserve me. or, put in a better way, she deserves better than me.

and i would never want her with anyone who thought he deserved her. never.

and i would kick her ass for falling for me when we've both talked about and both have agreed we're not right for each other.

and i know thats true. i know part of me is just saying it, but i know, above that, it's true.

so i go on, thinking im moving on, and maybe for a good part i have moved on, but the fact remains:

she's the girl. she hears me, she opens me, she calms me, she makes me laugh, makes me smile, makes me think, makes me move.

she's the girl. she's my friend, my sounding board, my parachute, my artist.

and im damn happy with all that.

then she sends me an email like she sent me and i dont know if its a lyric or if its her and either way either way either way.

either way im gone again.

lighter note:

i was talking to her about my sister and my mom. they had talked about the way i walked, compared it to my cousin mitch. mitch takes giant strides and, i guess, so do i. except, according to my sister, i dont "hop" as much.

i told her all this and, without even pausing to think, she said "yeah, you move like you almost think you're ghetto."

first off, i AM ghetto.

i laughed at this, and questioned her further.

"you're almost strutting like you're from the ghetto, but not quite."

so thats how i walk.