conversation i had last night, i begin:

"i can't tell you what to do. all i can tell you is what i would do."

"and what would you do?"

"i would try maybe twice, and then stop. let them make the next move. at least for tonight, tomorrow is a different day, different story."

pause.

"you would do that."

"yeah. so don't go by what i would do."

i called in sick to work today.

i slept the day away.

last night i woke up, around 4 or 5, and i was partly delusional.

i thought my stomach was in the bathroom, and i thought maybe i should join it.

but i didnt, because if i did, i knew something weird would've happened, like i would've thrown up.

or just sat there on the tile.

i got up, did an hours worth of stuff that it turns out i didnt really need to do. went to bed, woke up, called work, told em i wasnt going in.

i feel like a punk for not going. i couldve worked and everything, i just. i dont know.

and even if i could itd all be gray but your picture on the wall, it reminds me that its not so bad.

its not so bad.

i talked to my mom on the phone, she could hear something in my voice.

i need to splint my toe again, and start some laundry. need to lay on the couch and warm myself.

need to focus on other things, outside of me.