"i'm so confused bout you. i don't know what you need me to be right now so i easily just let it go and turn into something that i'm not. and i'm almost feeling that i shouldn't talk to you at all anymore til you figure things out and get to the point where you can talk about whatever you need to. even though we've never really done that before."

i've now written two emails to her. both mini epics. both dealing with her, dealing with my parents, dealing with what possibly fucked my future up, dealing with accepting more responsiblity. two mini epics, and im not done.

and she hasnt replied.

and i dont know if shes waiting for me to finish the series of emails, or if shes just not talking to me. i dont know if shes waiting for me to catch her online before she has a chance to put up an away message and talk with her that way. i dont know if shes wanting me to call her. ride a greyhound bus to boston and show up at her college.

so for now im just writing. writing and throwing what i write into a dark room, hoping maybe itll land close to her and perhaps shell pick it up.

i dont know.

as for now, i am tired, and i need to wake up early, and it is late, so i leave.

leave to take forever to sleep to wake up a few times over the course of the night to just feel and ache.

but if you ask me how i am i'll say im good.