he said "crayon, i need to get up, i need to get out."

i dont do well around sick people, i feel awkward and clumsy and unhelpful. so i sort of just sat there for a moment. finally said something.

"where?"

"anywhere."

ill never forget that moment. never.

this morning i drove for about an hour. just drove. never got out of the car. never stopped, less there was a stop sign or a stop light.

all the while i had in robert miles' dreamland. had the volume up. good experience for me.

if i'm taken by an illness i want someone around who doesnt take shit from me. doesn't let me play on anyones sympathy or anything. and if i start seeing things, they'll flat out tell me, instead of letting me go on like there's actually a pen in front of me.

or what have you.

i think i want to be cremated. no, i know i want to be cremated. i want my ashes sort of divided up, too. a little to the parents, a little to the girl. such and such. then they could do whatever they wanted with em. spread em over lake titicaca or keep em in their cars ashtray.

i dont want a sad death. i want people to laugh and rejoice and tell all my stupid stories.

ive never wanted to die in my sleep.