it did what i wanted it to do i spose.

if you're angry, get angry. but understand where i'm coming from. i wanted to write, but i didnt want to write about me.

i considered not saying it was a lie. but because i did some of yall felt, well, lied to. but it was a story. when you pick up a novel written in first person, you are being lied to.

except there's rarely any afterword to tell you so.

im not trying to excuse myself for making you mad or upset or hell, maybe some of yall even laughed at. all i'm saying is just take a minute and focus in on why you felt that way. that's all.

moving on.

i judge myself by my sister, which is sometimes a... uh... not so wise thing to do, because she, more or less, thinks i am a complete idiot with lots of luck who's going to grow up to be a drunk.

but, see, when i can make her laugh, honestly laugh, i know im doing something right because she is one of the hardest critics ill ever have.

and i made her laugh today. which sort of brought me out of this little funk i was in. and that i have slipped back into, but thats neither here nor there and im fine.

just fine.

as i was driving her to her softball practice she looked over at me, said "you're like jerry lewis."

i glanced over at her.

"no, see, you're a mixture of jerry lewis and peewee herman."

and i laughed and told her no. no jerry lewis going on.

well, no, there is some, i can see a little jerry in me. but i dont think it equals peewee, or even comes close to the point of being able to say it could even be considered a mixture.

jerry is like... under the non-active part on the food label.

at least to me.

so i told the girl this, or at least what my sister said, because i was just rambling because she really wasnt talking and blah blah blah.

she said "i can see it." "yeah, see, i cant." "you're more than just those two."

the only time i am entirely sure of my path in life, the only time, is when im making someone laugh. thats when i feel like maybe im a good person, maybe im not a total fuck up, maybe i can do something.

anytime else im hesitant.