she wants to go to college up here. it would rock my mild little world if she did, seeing her twice a year is never enough.

and being around the family always eases something in me. balm and aloe and such soothing nonsense.

i love em.

havent talked to the girl today. dont think im going to. not sure if i really want to.

no, i want to. i always want to. but i dont know if i couldn't not be awkward and clumsy and rough worded.

every christmas im left thinking that the parents are buying gifts for the kid they wanted me to be. clothes wise.

i got a great book and sesame street video and some chocolate. those hit the mark.

but the clothing, always the clothing.

it's always preppy stuff. and im just not that. but thats what they want. thats why i hate shopping with the mom. she's always pulling out clothes that i just dont like.

ah well, they try, and i love em.

saw a film. baby crayon was in it, showing signs of older crayon. i was quiet and sort of aloof.

and then there was a bit of katie, not even six months. someone asked "who's that?"

and the room got quiet. i spoke up. "kate."

she had this distinct hair. curly. dark blonde.

my cousin insisted he was buzz lightyear. INSISTED.

blah blah blah lot on the mind nothing i want to think about. need to sleep and get up tomorrow so i can get robyn. may the weather hold off and the sleep come in like a storm.

hope everyone had a good day.