and she wanted me to talk. about the crush. get it out of my system. everything that had been pent up.

and so, of course, the dog starts barking. and i have to get up to let him out.

and he does this three times to me.

and so the girl finally says "alright already. i get the picture. you dont want to talk. i'm leaving."

and i hate that.

so i said "dammit."

because im nothing if not eloquent.

"i do want to talk."

"maybe you do. but youre not ready. and i can see that. ill just have to respect it."

"i dont know where to go."

"i dont have direction for you. i dont know where you're trying to go."

"hell if i know where im trying to go."

"alright, you said you wanted to talk. what about?"

"that damn crush."

"talk kid."

and so we did.

and she said, at one point:

"crayon, you'll always be separate from everyone else in my book, too. but that's because of our relationship, of our connection. i can see wanting that, i want that, i want everything that we've got to be something i have with my husband as well. at the same time, it can never ever be what i have with you, cause well, we just have something special. but that's just what it is, something special. what changes it for you? why is it more?"

and i don't know why. and i told her as much. i dont know where it comes from.

she said she wished, more than anything, to be able to return my feelings.

told her not to wish that.

she asked why.

told her i'm not right for her.

told her, later, that i really didn't want it messing up our friendship.

she said the thing i needed to hear most. "i wouldnt let it. flat out."

and we're still talking. i think she just moved me into tricky waters.

and damn if she can't read me like a book in large print.

but. yeah.

best friend i have. right there.

tries kicking my ass and gets all understandable on me.

and she undersells herself.

dammit.