you try to pretend its not your throat swelling to close off your breath.

and you look away from your hands. they're not the ones that made fists for her.

you imagine it doesn't matter. that it doesn't change anything.

you hope, and then you don't hope, that she'll call in a few hours, asking what you meant. and you know you don't feel the cold glass against your forehead as you close your eyes knowing that its time you told.

your world doesn't spin. it doesn't revolve.

it doesn't stand still and make everything come to such a clear image.

you know she won't leave you. you know her heart will break. you know her heart will break you. you know there are no words to tell her that, above all, you're her friend.

and you whisper im trying to work past it.

and in your head it sounds easy. in your head it sounds understandable. in your head you go up to the bathroom. lay in the bathtub. turn the shower on. let the water wash you.

baptize you. cleanse you. release you.

you feel cold. you feel hot.

you practice the words. to yourself. over. once more.

"listen. i'm going to say this, and then i'm going to leave. walk. run. do something. i'll come back. i just need to disconnect for a minute."

you say.

yeah, you think. you can say that. she'll understand.

all the while imagining.

you pause. gulp the air. dry your palms off.

"listen. i have a crush on you. i don't know how long ive had it. it's been there. and ive tried getting over it. but i can't. listen. i know you're you. but im trying to work this out of my system. i know nothing will ever come from it, but i thought you should know."

and it sounds wrong. you cringe.

"help me."

help.

you let out everything within your lungs. nod.

this is how it will be.

this.