weve managed to touch on how she feels bad. then how she would feel better if i could be angry at her. then how i am almost like an angel.

i am not.

and how i put her on a pedistal, and thats no different than what she does with me.

except it is, because its her. and its easier to raise someone than see yourself being raised.

and we talked about how she knows theres something on my mind, but i wont talk about it. and she thinks its about her.

and is, but not in the way she thinks it is. she thinks im secretly angry at her, but not wanting to feel it. and its the damn opposite. its that i love her. that im fighting my way out of being in love with her and just back into love.

and how do you tell someone that you trying to find a way to not be in love with them?

"yeah. no, listen: i think you're great. wonderful. amazing. and im in love with you. but i can't do it anymore. so im working on just loving you. nothing more. help me out here, if you could."

i would rather it be twenty years from now, both of us happily settled, and just, one day visiting, turn to her and say "yeah. back then, you know, way back when, i was in love with you. head over heels. hoo hoo ha. what a crazy kid i was eh."

and we talked. and talked. and talked.

i have a friend. the friend is how ive referred to her. she knows me better than she thinks she does, and she knows me better than most.

and she knows who the girl is. theyre friends, yeah, but i mean she knows who "the girl" is. what her name is. but i won't admit to it, even though she pokes me about it.

"your dream date talked to me." or stuff along the like.

and i wanted to, tonight, tell her. just to have it there. just so someone who knows the both of us can talk to me about it.

but i know the friend. which is why i dont tell her. because shell try to do something, try to figure a way to set us up. or try to make it so i dont get hurt.

bless her. she does care about me. i know this.

but i dont want her talking to the girl. making it weigh on the girl.

argh. i dont know.

i get the feeling, tonight, that shes pushing for me to come out and say something along the lines of ive got a crush on you.

but then i get the feeling she wants me to say im pissed at her.

so many layers to the damn friendship. and i just keep adding them, and she just keeps adding them.

and i guess the fact that we're not buckling only shows how lucky i am shes my friend eh.

time to write her an email. cause thats what she was leading me to do.