the no pretending that i have hours to sleep. hours to regain what i spent within the previous day. the realization that i have to go through another day, i have to go to work, i have to eat, i have to work my friends into my schedule.

an hour less for me to give up the fight and let my body work its own working.

i can feel the eart rotate inside me. moving slightly. shifting to show a different side. and i can feel the rays rushing across the ground, eating up the dimness that once preceded it.

and in the night where i once was cloaked, where once i felt free to run and smile and just live with the most passion ive ever felt, in this night i am scared.

i look out of the window praying for it to remain dark.

i feel like im breaking. slowly.

and in many different ways im on shaky territory.

i want to run home. i want to be with my parents. i want to rely on them again.

no. i dont want to rely on them again. i never fully relied on them i believe. i just want them there in case i fuck up.

and if my mom knew i thought that, or shared that, she would be damn happy.

its a far cry from the woman who used to refuse to let me hug her.

i remember the last time she shook me. we were in ohio. i knew i shouldnt have gone. my dad wasnt there, and even though he got as mad at me as the mom did, he could referee somewhat.

late night. hotel. my mom was angry at someone else. took it out on me. i kept on saying it wasnt me she was mad at it wasnt me she shouldnt take it out on me. she tossed me across the bed.

didnt slap me that time. i think she knew i was challenging her to.

and the worst part about that memory?

seeing my sister slump to the floor against the wall.

the mom later apologized. wept by the side of my bed. i wanted her to stop crying. i wanted her to just leave me curled alone.

and yeah i guess ill never forgive her.

i know, in some religions, that im going to go to hell or some equivalent for that. but it doesnt change anything.

and as much as i cant forgive her, or wont, i need to be there with them right now.

i need to know theres a place i can be and fuck up.

and i need to know theres a place where someone else can worry about supper, a place where i can just sleep for a while.

i almost called them today. asked them if i could come home, if only for the night. but i never did when i was talking to the mom. i never said hey, i really need to be there.

i never said hey, i really need you to just hug me one more time before i get this week started with.

because i dont know if they would've came for me. if they knew i really needed that... love, they would have. but if i had just said i want to come back down, they probably would have said no, not tonight.

for good reason.

my dad works early. my mom cant drive at night. it would be a surprise, be it good or bad.

and it wouldnt have made any sense.

so now im just wishing for that.

and im just wishing for night.

and im just wishing for the right words.

and im just wishing for the humor to come back here, the laughter, the easy entries.