either id get all depressed and start rambling out and breaking out in sobs mid sentence and curse the day this and that happened.

or id get all too open and do something i wanted to do but would regret the next day because... well, because then thats out in the open.

stutter came back tonight.

and its not even a real stutter. but then again it is, cause i... uh... stutter. so, yeah, i stutter.

and its not noticeable any more. if it ever was. which im sure it was.

i'd get stuck on some words and repeat them over and over, stumbling to pass it, cant pass it, say it say it say it get it out god damn get it out say it.

so for a while i'd rarely speak. or i'd speak carefully, choosing words i know could just flow.

but then im not sure what happened. the right combination of people i guess. i just tried talking.

sure, there were times where i got caught up. times where i had to close my eyes and visualize the word, force myself to stop speaking, pick another word out, start the whole sentence over, saying word and word and word carefully.

over time, with relaxation, it slid away.

i still tend to hate speaking in front of people. the stutter. and i cant... see words and hear them in my head sometimes. i get confused pronounciation wise.

but, yeah, it came back tonight. i was tired. didnt feel good. with my sister. so i was just talking.

and i think it was the word what.

"whatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhaAAARRGGH!"

and the sister laughed. twas alright, her laughter, if only because i was in a slightly off mood.

and cause i know it wasnt mocking.

i like to watch you sleep at night to hear you breathe.

i watched a movie tonight. get real. wasnt great, but it was good. alright.

first time i went to the girls house. she gave me the little tour. took me to her bathroom. above her toilet she had a poster of mickey mouse. told me it had been there since she was seven.

and, if i was drunk right now, i would go on and on about that.

al was in a wreck. i dont know how bad. her mom was sposed to call me back when she heard something. she never called me back.

sometime tomorrow im going to have to call back. and i need to call becca again. but im going to wait till late night for that.

she said "im very lucky. i never really get cramps, not bad ones. except once."

then she looked up.

she said "i cant believe im actually talking about this with you here."

he said nothing. he gave a little shrug.

she looked back down. he could see her bite her lower lip. she looked back up again. continued. determined to be open.

she said "there was one time, a few years ago. worst its ever been. the only one there was my dad, my mom was at work. i ended up calling her and making her come home. when she was on her way home i went to the tub, filled it part way with warm water, laid in it, tried to relax. i kept fading in and out. crying a little. then i heard her pull into the drive so i got out and got dressed."

she said "that was the worst."

and he nodded as if he could understand. and maybe he could. maybe he got that part of the reason she called her mom was to have someone who could relate, and just having that made her feel a little better.

yo, i get to see family in about eleven hours. and eat vegetables. and just smile. and think.

im givin a little smile yo. but im hurtin, i need to sleep, so im going to bed.