stuff like how i walked back alone about 1 am in the cold with just a t-shirt and a jacket to protect my arms because janice's car would not start because her heater would not stop. even though the car was off, the heater was going. but if she stepped on the brake, the heater whined down.

i told her not to worry about it. i could make it back alright. and only now am i realizing that i wont talk to her for a very long time, longer than usual, and she might get worried.

but probably not, because she knows i can handle myself.

i also meant to write about how, walking back, i stopped and noticed the cloudless sky. for the first time since august i really looked at the stars. clear and multiple, made the cold colder and sharper, but it was a good cold and sharp.

the kind that drives right into, makes you realize what you are right then.

i meant to write of how i scared martine and then hopped around like a fool because it was damn funny. she ran across the room and collapsed on her bed she was that scared.

i meant to write of how there was a three year old girl last night. how i made friends with her and her mom let me take her upstairs and just follow her around.

the girl, mattie, would grab my hand and tell me to stay here or here.

i meant to write of a few nights ago, when catherine ran her fingernails over my scalp and damn i dont know if she realizes what she did to me.

she does, but i dont know if she does. i think there's this quiet fascination with me, from her, because she believes im innocent. but, then again, im friends with carlos, and carlos isnt innocent at all, so there must be something to me, right? and so she's waiting.

but she's also dating someone.

i told the girl the other day how i listen to music differently now, because of her. she said really and i said yeah. she said she didnt know what she did. told her she just did it.

could have said that her love for music made me listen to the sounds, the melodies, this instrument over that and the changing. rhythms and tempos and pulsations. interlocking elements.

but i just said she did.