| 11-16-00
- 1 22 am that was taking the cowards way out. when things get rough and hard just fold. that's shit. insane, pointless, shit. i want to live. i can't live if im always running away, hiding, shrinking from who i am, what i am. and, last night, saying i was going to let myself become that person again was shrinking from who i am. it was saying that, fuck it, im going to just stop trying. and im better than that. much better. ive always had a problem with self pity, too, and thats shit as well. everything that i've ever piled on myself i've done willingly and somewhat knowingly. and it's about damn time i accepted responsiblity. and ill be damned if im going to let something take me down, even if that something is myself. i've got something in me, something perhaps buried, something maybe dirty and smelly. hell, maybe im a diamond in the damn rough. but ive been carbon under pressure long enough to not be something. and im not going to collapse. ive come too damn far. and that, my friends, is where im standing now. im going to stand and take the beatings life has to give me. that i have to give myself. maybe i'll fall to my knees in the process, bloodied and sore, but on my knees is much better than lying on the ground submissive. |
