and im glad i have that bigger part of me. it shows ive come a long way.

the friend today was complaining to me about the girl. i more or less shrugged it off, but the friend said more or less yeah well you just want her so much.

that was really mature. she soon realized this and apologized, saying she was grumpy.

but theres a grain of truth to that. i do let the girl slide by because of the way i feel.

but yeah, thats a whole load of unresolved feelings i dont want to delve into.

in kindergarten i was kissed on the cheek on the school playground.

oh yeah i had them falling for me even then.

heh, no, not really.

the kiss was more of a seal to a promise she never fulfilled.

matter of fact, after that kiss i never saw that girl ever again.

alas, the broken heart, how it does remember the loves lost.

heh.

one of my biggest regrets in life:

when i was in maybe third grade my mom was the leader of my sisters... brownie... troop. i would come home from swimming lessons about midway into the troop meeting, which took place in our house.

at the first i would run upstairs and change. and stay up there till all the girls would clear out.

but as time progressed so did i, i came out of the room, made friends with a few of the girls...

and yeah, my sisters always hated me for that. i would swoop in with my charming self and dissolve all the not lies about me and swoop back out.

but, yeah, i made friends. and there was this one girl, i dont even remember her name now. i only have a vague memory of what she looked like, too.

i became close to her.

one day, near the end of the meeting when my mom was letting them just run loose in the house, she came into my room and said she needed to talk to me. she was nervous and scared.

and so was i. i had two ideas of what she was going to say.

and some other of the girls had tumbled into my room so i got all fidgety and said, sure, later, when they werent there.

there was never a later.

and i feel like such an ass, all these years later. i could've listened, i could've dealt with what i think she was going to tell me.

and my life, as well as hers, would have been much different.

but i didnt.

god damn i didnt.

and if i go to hell for any one thing, it is for that. it is for ignoring that beautiful child who had something bothering her so much she had that look on her face.

i wish sometimes i could find her name, or a picture, or something, and find her from that.