"i feel really bad about something"

"ma'am?"

"i dont know. i feel like ive been hurting you because i never have time to sit down and write."

emails that is.

"listen, i know you're damn busy. and i'd rather you get your stuff done and get some sleep than worry about sittin down and writing to me."

"whatever. that aint the truth and i know it."

and then she left.

truth: yes. i am hurting.

truth: the hurt is so small in me compared to the knowledge that shes out there having fun and taking care of herself. i didnt lie when i told her i'd rather have her sleeping.

truth: i hurt because i'm selfish, and she should never feel bad about me being selfish.

truth: i dont know what to do.

ok. ok okokokokokokok.

deal is i dont lie to the kid. that's what ive got to stick to. but, of course, the reaction i have is to ease her mind.

and the thing is, i wanted some kind of reaction like this. i knew, before she went to boston, that she would become occupied with other things. but still...

ive been through some rough periods in my life. she hasnt been there for all of them, but shes been there for a lot of it. and that's one of the things that kept me sane. i could always turn to her and explode.

and she always responded. always.

which is what i guess hurts. the fact that i explode and... theres nothing. she'll ask, later, how i am, or ask me what i meant by this or that. but no response like there was.

but i dont fault her for it or blame her for it or what have you.

god damn.

why cant i just tell her this?

hey, yeah, it hurts, but i dont care because its something i can wait out. the end will be worth it. dont worry bout it. take your time. do what youve gotta do.

just... i dont know.

ill write her something tonight, after this. ill write her and... be raw, which she says im missing, be honest, which i always try to be even if ive got to be a spin doctor, and try to ease her mind about it all, which is what its about.

and ive got the greatest urge to run away from it all, after i write it. just hide out for a while until it settles. but i told her once i stopped running away. so i cant. but damn, im getting antsy. my feet are itching.