my feet hurt when i sit like this. i noticed it yesterday but thought nah, it was something else. but nope, now it still hurts.

ive got nothing to do between now and about twenty till three. then after four thirty im free again. i dont know what im going to do between here and then and then and whenever.

part of me will keep myself busy and away from here so i wont know if the girl is trying to get in touch with me.

yeah, i dont know what the hell im doing.

i wrote her, last night. and it was the truth. and it surprised me.

and im afraid i sounded like i wanted her to say something. i do, but i dont. am i giving her the freedom that she doesnt need? yeah.

she needs to know she can run and i wont be standing bemoaning the fact.

and i dont want her to feel like im telling her that because i need her to say this or this or whatever.

i wouldnt be a good friend if i wanted to stop her. ive learned that from all my experiences.

this is not to say that i dont want her in my life, always. i do. simple as that.

i do.

but having her in my life would mean nothing if it was because she felt obligated to.

yeah, im just going to stop talking bout this now.

i remembered my dream from last night about an hour after i got out of bed.

at one point i was in this house, that was going to be my house, and the lady was showing me around. she used to own that house... i think we were related.

she took me to the room where she was born. it was museum like. there were... the word escapes me.

there was this bed-gurney-wagon set up with a wax woman in it. at first i thought she was sposed to be dead, because she had a white sheet pulled up over her, but leaving her face exposed. and her face was in pain. then i realized she had her feet in stirrups and her knees were how knees are in stirrups and i realized she was in labor.

then there was this crib with a little wax baby in it.

it was kind of weird.

i remember walking by the wax labor woman and thinking i could make her stand and dance if i wanted to. that was when i thought she was a dead wax woman.

this has been such a pointless entry.