that, or i've made her pull away, in my mind and in my heart.

and true, it might be her lack of sleep. true, it might be my projecting. true, she might be missing her cats and everything.

but i've been hurting.

and i know its wrong of me to hurt because of this.

and this, the feeling of it being wrong, has changed me into this more bitter than usual kid.

and so i'm recognizing how easily it would be to hurt people.

and i dont want that in me. i fought for a long time to not know that, and to not act on that.

but im digressing.

i should... i should say, hey, whats the dilly-o with you not talking to me?

i get tired of, say, writing emails and not getting a reply back.

and then i feel bad for not, say, wanting to write her an email.

because i promised her i would always fight for our friendship. but sometimes, you know, i realize ive got blood all over my hands from hitting the walls.

still, i fight, still, i write the little email.

and still, she doesnt reply.

i havent heard her voice in what seems like forever.

christ. this is what i was afraid of.

but maybe, yeah, maybe it is the fact she never sleeps coupled with her missing things that has her acting this way.

or has me acting this way.

you know, i was thinking about it today. and...

and.

argh.

she has hurt me before. one time. one time.

one time.

she felt me hurting, and she knew i didnt like talking about myself, my pains, my thoughts, until i felt it was right.

she knew this, which made it hurt.

for a brief period we would talk and it would end with her asking me something, me saying i was ok and there was nothing to talk about, and she's say fine, i'm leaving, and would leave.

leaving me feeling like an ass.

leaving me feeling like i, in turn, hurt her.

which, i guess, i did do.

god. ive hurt her. oh god.

but she continued like that, continued pushing me.

one night she left.

one night too many she left.

and i knew why. so i sat myself down and wrote her a letter.

a letter i hated writing.

a letter that made me so damn upset and bitter at her.

at her. at myself. mainly myself.

dear god.

we need to talk.