now, nothing will come of it, not any time soon, but damn if it isnt a good thing for my ego.

soon ill have to introduce myself to her.

but its odd. to look up and to the right and see her eyes.

and she continues the stare, too, as if she's at the same time challenging me and weighing me.

there are few people out there that make me stop and stand straighter because i know they're sizing me up when they look.

i like it.

its a challenge, you know.

soon she shall fall to the crayon charisma. but thatll be all shell do, cause yeah.

the girl.

when it becomes so i dont compare people to her, or when it becomes i dont feel bad about comparing them to her... because i know part of me always will, if only because she was the first person who i felt safe with, the first person who unconditionally accepted me, and thats what i now look for in all my relationships, be it with friends or anything more... then, then ill feel right pursuing someone.

the friend, who did what she was meant to do, i spose, has been hitting raw nerves with me. she corners me and then expects me to react lightly. i can't do that.

and she doesn't understand why.

and so i become bitter about this. i become bitter because i...

woah, ok, i just turned away for a second, came back here, and i almost found myself typing out something i wasnt going towards, but here it was:

i expect more from my friends. which makes me bitter.

when they push me too far, and i have been pushed too far before, i break. i break and i tell way much more than im comfortable telling and i feel resentful.

hence, when they corner me i immediately become bitter. i know whats going to happen. or i imagine whats going to happen.

a part of me, a huge part of me, doesnt handle being vulnerable well.

but then i feel like an ass, for feeling this way. i feel as if i should be able to say this or that to them without wincing.

but the pure truth of it all, the pure simplistic nature of it is that i just can not get comfortable talking.

and here i am rambling. yes. i realize this, too. but realize, as well, i can pretend im not. realize, as well, that no one i come into daily contact with (well. no, there are people i come into daily contact with now) reads this.

so. where was i?

yeah, ok, i know they worry about me.

but please, just sit there and remind me you can listen, dont force me into talking.

part of me will hurt for a long time because of it.

man. so not funny lately.