but its not his smell. its the smell of him laying there with an illness and old age making him weak and the smell of the hospital and the smell of everything.

and under it all is his true smell.

and i have it all still lingering.

i leaned over, before i left, and kissed his forehead. told him goodbye.

he looked me in the eye and said "i love you."

and i said "i love you too."

when i was walking out of the hospital i had to sort of speed up so the mother, who went with me, wouldnt see my face tremble and tighten and blink.

i wish i could write, here, what... it all is.

life, love, dying, touching.

how difficult and wrong it is to hug someone in a hospital bed that doesnt have the strength to move his arms much less sit up.

wrong because a man like him, a man who fought in his second war because he didn't want someone else, someone younger, fighting in his place, a man who has shown me so much about life by just being there, shouldnt be in that bed.

he said, today, that he must look better because the grandma isnt as scared.

even now, even now, do you get that?, even now he bases how he is on how his wife feels.

its wrong for him to have to lay there.

and death.

i feel those that have already died in me, so i know, i feel, i sense that death isnt a finality. they're in me, and now, now they're in you or you or you because i sit and i talk about them and you can see the sparkle in my eye at this story or that tale and as i become part of you, as you take me in, you take them in because you love them for having made me what you see.

so death, no finality.

but it scares the hell out of me. it scares me and angers me and threatens me and i cant help but sit here and feel my face heat up and my eyes water but that's only because ive got dirt in my eye or the wind is blowing really hard or i just poked myself in the eye on accident.

i dont want them out of my life. i dont want you or you or you out of my life. at least, if you move, i know there's a chance of me seeing you again or talking to you again or just sharing with you.

i want to always share with you.

or you.

or you.

and to end it, so abruptly or not abruptly or... to end it.

i will not let it end. there are dreams. there are beliefs and feelings and powers and i know.

i know you will be there.

i will always share.

and you will never reach the finality.

this, this above most else, i promise you.