i have friends who pressure me while saying i understand.

now, if they understood, they wouldnt be pressuring me cause they know how badly i react in tight corners.

she understands.

she says "but i also know you want to tell me this thing, but you don't want to be the one to tell, you want me to just know. or to ask. but i'm not going to ask."

why wont she ask?

"i know you want me to ask you something, but i have nothing to ask... you'll tell me what you will when you will."

paraphrased, of course.

there was a time, about a month ago, that something was realy eating at me, and i became quiet. i became withdrawn to those who could really read me. and so the girl, for one of the first time in our friendships, began edging me on into telling.

she broke me.

to know it was bothering her that much that she left frustrated, angry, at my hurting myself by keeping it in... broke me.

she later called herself an ass for doing that to me. she wrote me this letter.

"last thing i ever wanted to do was hurt you, pressure you, make you feel like you're obligated to do anything, cause you aren't. you're free to deal with things as you may. but you have to know, that for the past 2, almost 3 weeks, i've been feeling you hurt. i know you're thinking, i know you're picking your brain and thinking and worrying and not sleeping, whether you spell it out for me or not. you don't have to tell me your problems for me to ache and want to fix them. i know things are wrong and not going right when you are how you are and whether you tell me the problems or not, i will always know something is not right when something is not right and i will worry, and think about you, and want to fix everything so you can smile and be happy. and being the person you are, you keep your pain and fears to yourself for as long as you can stand it without breaking because you'd rather hurt yourself more than you can bear than to bring any ounce of pain to the people around you."

so. yes. she accepts me without blinking. she always has. she says "i can without a doubt accept anything you will ever tell me and have ever told me in the past about yourself or other things"

why do i think telling her would change that?