well the jokes on you.

but not really.

on the growing list of information i am randomly told:

"joey does everything well" and how the guy connected that to what follows, i will never ever understand "but he takes horrendous dumps. i mean clear the room, open the window, flowers die, dumps"

yeah. and i had met joey just today and the guy who said this about an hour before.

and, as far as i know, everyone was sober.

man, i spent the night with a bunch of religious people. like we were playing taboo and josh, josh goes "because jesus is there, there will be none of these in heaven."

for SHADOWS people. the word was shadows. his thinking was "jesus/god is" some kinda light, the only light, who knows "and hence, because he's in heaven, there can be no darkness. shadows are darkness."

i swear.

and me, i go "you can use potatoes to make them. they're not edible. you can send stuff with them."

for stamps.

people didnt get that.

i swear.

so i dont know yo. i stayed out way too late. why? cause i was trying to be distracted.

i.e., i was trying to find someone other than the girl.

i was actively trying this.

which is stupid, because i was around a bunch of religious people.

i'm not gonna mess with religious people, not in the whole i want a distraction sense.

why?

i dont think they'll be into it.

and they're not the girl.

im thinking of telling her, but doing it the cowards way. writing a letter, giving it to her, and hiding.

hiding until she makes contact.

and thats not what i want, either, cause she will make contact, this i know.

even if it is just the whole yeah, i think you're great but youre a friend speech, and nothing changes speech.

because that's what it will be.

she wont be freaked out by it. she'll just be... i dont know. sad, i think, though thats not the word. shell be that because ill be stuck on her, and she feels shes not great, but damn she is. and shell be that because she thinks i need someone who could feel back. which i do.

which i do.

damn.

but then, then, then, then again, she might go hey, yeah, i feel something for you.

and then go to boston.

i shake my fist at you boston.

but not really.

she needs to go there, to get away from family, to experience something new, to live learn study.

love.

i will be there only in the sense that shell come back most nights and write me an email.

i wont be able to approve the guys she dates.

that, probably, kills me the most.

at least i could be able to meet this or that guy and size him up.

i will say this now, for any guy who reads this:

she's a beautiful wonderful amazing lady. she's my best friend. she's incredibly kind, caring, and hard on herself. she has an amazing voice. shes a picky eater. her second toe is shorter than her big toe. shell be a wonderful mother.

im damn protective of her. im not a violent crayon, not anymore, but damn, if i ever hear of this or that happening to her, via you, trust me, boston's not that far away.

all i ask is that you make her laugh, make her grin that grin that brings that dimple. make her think. play chess with her. challenge her mind, her beliefs, but never belittle her. love her cats. start a fire in her belly. bring her a daisy. spend the night just laying next to her on a quilt. slow dance with her in the middle of an empty room.

make me envy you.

but make me love you, too.

she's my best friend yo. i will have nothing but the best for her.

and damn me for thinking i could offer that to her.

ill be watching out for you guys.

and ill be dreading the moment she says your name.