ive settled into this half rut.

im not depressed or angry or any other extreme emotion yo.

its just... i dont know.

last night hit me hard for reasons outside of my realm of understanding and controlling.

i just needed to let go, i guess.

and i finally did.

and now i'm tired. and aching, slightly.

but, even in the half rut, im still good yo.

you know ive gotta be if ive said yo three times so far yo.

i had never seen an episode of survivor.

had, yes. last night, early last night, i was with two friends and theyre big fans of the show, so i had to watch it.

had to?

yes.

so i watched it and paid attention to it, a little, and attention to the two friends.

odd stuff yo.

i didnt have that connection they had with it, so i was laughing when they were calling them names and yelling and such.

then i fell asleep.

i was curled up in this chair deal and i just went out.

apparentally they threw things at me and i didnt react.

yeah, and i woke up and heard them, behind me, talking, figured i should move or something to let them know i was sitll alive.

so i stretched out and then left for candy.

came back.

saw the end of the show.

yeah, that one guy, the guy who won, im impressed, he knows how to fuck with people.

hey, if any of yall know anything about dreams, disect this for me:

we were in a car-boat thing going along a flooded plain and i had part of my body in the water, being dragged along, i was ok with this, and there was this gold fish that started swimming alongside me, jumping out of the water a la flipper and i told whoever i was with that i wanted a fish, so i got a bowl and started catching the fish but he'd jump back out. finally i caught him but the act of catching killed him.

thats not all, but thats all for now.

you have my body but you want my soul.

yeah, i killed a bug last night.

im against killing bugs.

said by the meat eater.

but no, listen, its different... how? it just is.... when a bug is just flying around, walking around, running around, near me, i catch it and let it outside. or i try to. other times i just let it be, shoo it away or such.

last night i was going for the shoo and i accidentally killed the bug.

felt horrible.

still feel bad.

i took it outside so it could rest where it needed to be, in a long stretch of green under a sky.

time to eat lunch.