and not even of the stuff yall know im afraid of.

telling the girl, not telling the girl, that stuff.

nope.

its so hard for me to say i dont want to talk about this.

im worn out people.

i hate hospitals. i hate doctors. i hate nurses.

but not with a passion.

out of the medicial field, like in a bar, i can be extremely good friends with a nurse. or doctor. or hospital.

but once im forced with facing going to one, i hate it.

and i wasnt always like this.

but... i don't want to talk about it.

nothing serious, no abuse of me, nothing anything like that, it just makes me uncomfortable.

multi layered you see.

i hate being exposed.

said by the person with an online journal.

truth?

im bitter.

truth?

i hurt.

both senses of the sentence. i'm hurting and i cause hurt.

truth?

i believe.

man. manmanmanman.

for that brief moment saturday when i was being wheeled into xray i was scared. in a way i cant express. in a way that makes me ache and feels me with... anger. longing.

when she pressed down and asked if it hurt and for the first time i could say yes, god, that hurt, i lost something.

my childhood?

no.

but something like that. some belief i thought that was so inscribed in me i could never lose. but one i cant name.

invinciblity?

no. i watched my sister get hit by a car. i know death happens.

damn. so, yes, i need to stop wallowing in myself.

i apologize.