they're not perfect, but they're as perfect as i think could be expected with two people with our histories.

for the first time i'm kind of hesitant on what to reveal about her and us because there's complication there, on her part, that... i don't know.

things i didnt know before i asked her out.

if i had known, beforehand, would i have still asked her out?

honestly, i dont know.

im going to have to talk about this, sooner or later, because it's impacting me and i don't want to hide things here because, after all, this place is supposed to be for me.

she's a cutter.

and, as far as i'm aware, in the course of us being together, she hadn't cut herself. as far as im aware, for that matter, i don't know the last time she did cut herself.

but that changed yesterday, while i was in the shower, getting ready to go into work early.

she was upset with me going in early and not spending time with her, and there were other factors i won't go into right now, but i came out of the shower and we started talking, and i was late for work.

she said "i really dont want you to go." and i said "if you had told me that earlier i would've called out."

she wouldnt tell me earlier she wanted me to stay because she didn't want to make my decisions for me.

i was standing in the door way, about to leave, already about an hour late, and she said "i'm afraid if you go i'll resort to old ways."

my being there, my talking to her was the only thing stopping her from continuing cutting.

so i took her back to my bedroom and sat her on my bed and said "i'll stay then."

"you can't stay forever."

"watch me."

and i called work. i called out. for the first time ever, in any of my jobs, i called out.

we sat there, talking about everything but her cutting. talking about how if she's going to be with me, she's going to have to let me in.

earlier, before the shower, she was upset, but she wouldnt let me help, she just sat looking at her school work, so i got up and went into my bedroom, checked my email. she finally found me and just kind of hugged me for a while.

later, last night, after we went back to her city and she hung out with friends while i killed two and a half hours just waiting for her, we talked some more.

she cut my first initial into her skin.

i saw it earlier in the day, but i hadn't managed to find the guts or the words to ask her about it.

but as we laid on her couch, watching snl, i asked her about it. asked her if she just cut herself, or if she was cutting something in particular.

she told me.

i told her that i didn't want her cutting anything that was connected with me into her. i didn't want to be associated with anything that hurt her like that.

she said "safety pins dont hurt" and i stopped her and said "it's the idea. it makes me hurt, and being connected like that."

thats probably the worst it's been between us.