i never left him because i had stopped loving him; i had never stopped loving him, love was the one thing that was never an issue between us, he loved me and i knew it.

i loved him, too, bigger than i had imagined loving anyone, so leaving wasn't about the loss of love. leaving was what i thought was right.

talking to my best friend, knowing i had to move away to finish my degree and that he was settled in the land he had just bought; leaving just made the most sense at the time.

it also hurt the most.

i had heard, later, through friends and his sister, that he kept that land, paid a cousin to keep the grass reasonable, packed one bag (and i knew, as she talked, which bag: his blue duffle bag that smelled like cigarette smoke even though he never smoked) and got on a bus headed down through alabama, and across mississippi.

missing him never went away, although everyone told me i should and i felt, at least, as if i should stop because it was my decision. this was what was best for me. best for us.

the years went by. the little news i was given through people stopped coming. he had disappeared. i would see a small man with golden highlights in his hair standing, still and quiet, on the corners and believe it was him.

my heart would beat a little harder and i would turn to look at him, fully. but it was always another man, always a man going somewhere else.

when he stood in my lobby i wasn't sure at first if it was him or not. i was thinking maybe, maybe it was another man for another woman.

but his eyes never left mine, just like when we were together, i walked to his eyes, and then i saw that scar right above his eyebrow and i knew he was real and i knew he was there, for me.

i wanted to cry.

and then i saw his wedding band.

i felt like i had lost something inexplicable. i couldn't describe what it was i had lost, i hadn't even known i had been holding onto it. but there it was; not there.

i didn't want him to leave. i cooked dinner when i had just planned on ordering pizza. i asked him to stay when i knew i had to sleep.

he told me he loved me. that still, he loved me.