and i said "i have absolutely no idea."

and she started laughing. i was going to continue what i was saying, but she was laughing, smiling and with those crinkles around her eyes so i just stopped to watch her.

and finally i asked her why she was laughing so hard. she said "when i ask people that sometimes they answer with plans, they say 'im going to do this and this and this' and you're like no you're not, shut up. but you, you're just completely honest and i appreciate that."

last night i said something which made emily say something back to me which eventually led to her saying something along the lines of i'm almost smothering her, but she's comfortable with this almost smothering.

my first reaction is to pull away completely and then slowly go back to her until we reach... hell, no, until she reaches a level of comfortablity that doesn't include the word smothering.

even if it's almost smothering.

but she won't tell me what she wants, she won't tell me if she wants me to stop calling or stop emailing or if its just something she needs to work out herself and i need to be patient and wait it out the way things are right now or what.

i know i have to be the one making the moves because she cant call me. she could email, but she doesnt. so i have to take these steps, i just need to know if my steps should be further apart or what.

and she doesnt tell me.

but then she gets angry at me when i don't treat my body well.

bah, i dont know. you women are confusing.