a six pack.

i dont think they are connected, but i thought i'd share the two in same line.

as it is right now the last bottle is sitting on my chest, the lip of it on my lip, the tongue of me in it, licking, sliding in and out and god damn if i didnt wish someone was with me now.

i sent off all these long rambling incoherent mistyped emails tonight, im waiting now to see who chooses to respond and who tells me im a complete ass.

that should have been a semicolon.

ive always wanted to wake up in the middle of the night to the rain coming down, hard, with the lightning around us, and make... love? sex? out?... with the woman next to me.

i havent gotten the chance yet.

though once, in my car, in the middle of the night, it was steamy. the windows were fogged and the radio was on and the lights were off except for one, twenty feet away, that randomly flickered on and randomly flickered off and beneath my hands, beneath me, she was beautiful, she was everything, she was all the parks in dawn with dews, all the twelve hour sleeps that awaken with smiles, all anyone could want.

the condensation on the window that i wiped off to see through half assedly until my eyes were drawn back to her eyes, to her lips, to that mouth she bit in between breaths, god dammit, god damn god damn god... that was as close to rain as ive ever been.

when do you know that she is your heart?

when?

when do you know you're just a drunk assed fool typing?

eh?

she would grab me from the inside, stay with me readers i beg of you, feel me and just go with it though my images are not based in concrete, she would grab me, all moist and dark and deep and tight, she would grab me and it would stretch to her knees, i could feel her fingers in my knees and her knuckles in my thigh and her palm on my belly.

shes so much bigger than i could ever be.

i would feel her and she would slowly pull out, pull me from the inside, flip me negatively until everything is as it isnt, everything this and that and that and this and god damn god damn god damn.

breath taking, really.

innocence and ignorance and beauty and love and trust there underneath my fingertips.

and i was left a hunkering shaking skull, skeleton, empty, closed and opened and crying but so dry faced, so somber and my shoulders so far apart they reached from texas unto baton rouge, further, california until the mid of the altanic, further, just imagine, further, further, until i was able to encompass all of her.

god damn, god damn, goddamn.

have you ever had a beautiful woman in your arms? really? have you ever had the most beautiful woman in your car? in your bed? in her bed? in the middle of a deserted building?

you lie, i know you lie, because you can't possibly have had her. i did.

god damn.

she makes anything possible, and everything impossible without her. all in the same words, all in her simple syllables, every god damn thing.

i fumble, as always.

words are the one thing im blessed with.

words and they are not enough to touch her.

words and i make a mean baked from scratch cookie.

but those, they aren't enough.

and i want to be big enough for her.

i want the car, again.

i want my bed, again, and electric i felt when she said, for first time, she said man it made my toes curl and my head dive into her shoulder, she first said she loved me.

scattered and disjointed and a six pack later.

i sit in my car telling her ghost all i think about is you, all i see experience smell anything i want to share, its all with around you.

i want to go into my past and give you that too. when i was with the girl in the baltimore musuem and learned about fizz, i want to give that to you.

god damn.

stop taking my stupid breath away.

i cant breathe.

i havent had a full breath in about a year.