the more i tried to help, the angrier she seemed to get with me.

and the harder i would try to make her laugh.

and she would laugh.

but finally i just said "okay, i'll just lie here and let you talk."

and i was there for a few minutes until she finished her homework or gave up on it, whatever she wants to call it, and then she got into her bed.

she got worried about me near the end. kept asking me what the matter was, couldn't tell if it was just i was sick and my nose was stuffed or if i was mad or if i was sad.

because i am no good on the phone most of the time and emily needed to go do something and i didn't want to keep her away from it i kept telling her i was good, i'm fine, i'm not too entirely sure what's going on in me but i'm okay.

and so she hung up. and i wrote her an email, explaining part of what was on my mind.

and she emailed me back.

and i can't write what i really feel. i can't write

it seems so easy for you, to let go of this. i admire you for it, respect you for it, i just want to know how you do it. how everyone seems to do it.

i know it's something you have to do. and because it's something you have to do i'm forced into doing it along with you, as much as i may not want to do it, as much as i may want to go to arizona or where ever you end up.

i'm a kid in that aspects, i guess.

i want to be with you. and i understand you don't want that. that you can't won't that or it'll make everything too hard for you.

i feel bad because i have all these feelings still for you and you seem to have none for me, that i'm just your friend and that's all, and i know i'm doing a good job of keeping my feelings hidden.

i guess it should be enough to know that it won't ever work out because you won't ever let it work out. you've already decided that. and so i should just accept it and do what you've done. i should just push it to the back of me, forget these feelings, forget your neck and your hands and your eyes and how good you made me feel about myself.

i can't write that to her.

i don't know why.