and this isnt the first time.

and it wasnt the first time she betrayed my trust.

and, of course, her lying to me is all my fault, as she puts it.

because everything's my fault.

and i asked her if i meant anything to her. she stood there, looked me in the eye, said that sometimes she just doesn't care about me. couldn't care less if walked out of her life.

and i told her that through it all, no matter what we were doing to each other, i never once fucking stopped caring about her. i told her that she's the only one who has ever made me feel this fucking stupid.

and i never cursed as much before i met her.

but, of course, somehow it's always my fault.

yesterday she called out of work. said she was sick.

that left us with no one to work for five hours.

i was going to a graduation so i happened to drive by her dorm to pick up a friend. her car wasn't there.

her car wasn't there when i returned, three hours later.

i then called her a couple of times through out the night.

she wasn't there.

i almost fired her.

i finally got a hold of kim at 12 30. she said she was sick, but she went out and moved stuff out of alec's room and went out to eat over at alec's parents' house.

my opinion on the matter, and the way my father raised me, is that if you're going to call out of work because you're sick, you're going to be sick enough you can't do anything except lay in bed and sleep or kneel in the bathroom and puke.

i've never called out sick for work.

my father has a bad knee and sometimes he can't walk, but he rarely calls out sick to work.

he calls out sick when he can't even use crutches to walk.

my dad, this past year, missed three days of work in a row from being sick and i was really worried about him.

you just don't call out sick.

and you especially don't call out sick but then spend the day with your boyfriend.

unless your boyfriend is making sure you stay in bed and rest. not moving shit and not eating dinner with the folks.

and so i called up emily to get her opinion on it. to know whether or not i was overreacting and what i should do.

emily kept laughing at me because she would ask something, about what i would do if someone else did something, and my answer was always "i'd be pissed."

and so she'd start giggling and then i'd say "are you laughing at me?" and she'd start really laughing and say "you're just so stubborn."

she said that not everyone has passion like i do for the job. and that made me stop for a second, because i dont know if i really have passion for the job.

and i told her that it's not about having passion, it's about doing your job and doing it well. because if you're going to do a shitty job, what the hell's the point?

i expect that from everyone i work with. if they do a shitty job one night, the next night i'm going to give them twice as much to do, and i'm going to go over it all with them and make sure they do a damn fine job.

that way, the third night, they've only got their normal stuff to do, and it's all not as bad.

i've sent people home early and screwed myself over because they haven't been putting forth any effort, because they act like they just don't care.

i figure if you're going to have a job, you might as well like it enough to do it more than competently, otherwise fucking quit your job and get another one that you will do well.

my business got over 800 applications before we opened. 800. i can sure as hell find 1 person who will do a good job.

emily says i have really high standards i expect people to meet. and kim's standards are even higher. and that i keep expecting her to reach those standards and she keeps failing and i keep getting disappointed.

and so i asked if i needed to generally lower my standards. and she wouldn't answer one way or another.

i don't think i could lower them.

i don't want to accept half assed jobs from my employees all the time.