it's that way, right now.

i want to make love to just a piano playing in the background.

i want the music deep in my head as i move into her, as i touch her and feel her sink into me, as we roll and smile and all the tenderness in me seems to move forward up through my body as if it was being pulled out of my bones.

i want someone to pound on the keys.

i want the sound to increase until it's like a migraine, powerful and deafening and the only thing that cuts through it is her breathing, her laughing, her saying my name before she bites her lips.

i'm trying to come to the understanding that december might come and go, emily might come and go, and nothing might happen.

i taught myself, a long time ago, to play piano. nothing fancy, nothing more than a few songs, and i've lost it since then.

and i cant help but think how much easier everything might be if there was no piano in my head, if there wasn't someone, something there playing songs, hymns, waltzes, just softly enough almost not to be heard.

if there was no piano when emily comes, if there was no piano when she hugs me, if there was no piano when she looked at me and laughed and when her eyes smiled, there would be no chance for the music to swell, for me to listen to it tell me how to dance, for me to want to grab her and dig in.

i'm incredibly scared.