when i got there, all early at 8 in the morning, i sat in my car wondering if there was any way i could get out of it, if maybe i could just not go and pretend.

but i had promised emily.

and so i sat there cursing, telling emily that i'm only doing it for her.

i went in and filled out forms and went back and the nurse tried to take my blood pressure but the machine broke three times.

i can only assume, and i only assume safely, that the machine broke for one of three reasons. listed:

a) my arm around my elbow is just too much for any one machine to take.

b) the charm and charisma within my system confused the machine as to what it was reading.

c) it was befuddled and twitterpated because i am just that hot.

yes, even robots want a piece of the sick sick crayon.

so the machine finally worked, the doctor came in, i told the doctor, the doctor looked in my mouth, said "i don't see it." and i said "it's behind the fold" and the doctor then proceded NOT to check behind the fold.

which pissed me off a little bit.

i went into the doctor's office mainly for them to get rid of it. cut it out or irrigate it loose or whatever you doctor types do.

then he said "well, i don't think you have strep, but let's test for it."

so we tested. and the results were negative.

and then he said "well, i dont think you have it, because if you did you'd be much much sicker, but let's do some blood work and test for mono."

so we tested. and the results were my blood sugar's okay and i have none of this mono.

then he said "well, i dont know what it is, but i'm going to give you antibiotics just to see if that does anything. and i'm going to give you this other stuff you gargle with."

and i thought... well... okay, just throw medicine at me.

if it doesn't clear up in three days i'm to call him back and be referred to what we in the business call a specialist. wink wink. nudge nudge. eh.

so i go to the pharmacy and i hand them my note and the pharmacist says "why, have you ever had this medicine?" and i say "no, good sir." and he says "well, it numbs your throat."

first off: i told the doctor my throat didn't hurt. i don't need it to be numbed, thanks, though.

second off: i'm wasting money to gargle to numb my throat when i need to waste money so someone can tell me i don't have cancer, i don't have a tumor, i don't have anything bad, it's just a white lump.

so the day passes and i finally get a teaspoon to measure my gargle medicine out (that says use blahblahblah WITH PAIN. and i stress, and i stressed then, but i stress I HAVE NO PAIN. so now i'm gargling to reduce imaginary pain, just like i'm taking antibiotics to fight my imaginary strep.) and i start pouring my medicine into this teaspoon.

this medicine is just a tad less thicker than pancake syrup.

i insist that you now go into your kitchen, get some pancake syrup, and gargle.

do it.

my roommate was there when i started trying to gargle and all she saw was me with my head tilted back making "ugugugugug" noises and mufflingly cursing.

it's a sign of her pureness of soul that she didn't just start laughing her ass off right then.

do i feel better?

no.

except that i made emily happy.

if gargling with pancake syrup is what makes her happy. then, well. i shall gargle away.