i sit in bed, or in a chair while people talk around me, or eating my dinner in the quiet of the kitchen, and think about it.

and i don't do anything about it. i can't, not really, not without questioning myself.

i wish i had it in me sometimes, though, had it in me to just find someone to be physical with and that be all.

i need something, or someone for that matter, to take the edge off.

it's hard, getting connected with people, getting to that level that makes everything even already better, that makes it more than just the physcialness of it, the touching, the smells, the absorption of it all.

and i want her, god do i want her, but it seems as if that won't happen, not for years, if ever again.

so there has to be a way to take the edge off, right?

but instead of going out and finding someone who i can just be with, physcially, without getting emotionally attached, without wanting or hoping or expecting anything, just someone to share that with, someone to wake up to when it's thundering outside and forget everything human or above human about sex with. someone just to get to the baseness of it all with, long enough to take the edge off, that damn edge, long enough to sate the thirsts.

but i want her.

and i sit and i think. i think of her. 1600 miles away.

i think of her coming back. of how the first kiss could be. of how it would be me making the first move, in the kitchen, in the back of a dark theater, near a frozen creek, in the middle of the snow, how that kiss would be, if i could hold out long enough to tease her, to make sure she really wanted it the way i really wanted it. or if not that way, just wanted it enough she would never regret it.

and i think about what could go from there. what could grow.

i think about going blind and growling and moving into my bedroom with her, moving here and moving her and stripping her clothes off slowly, her shirt off her long torso, that tight red quarter length shirt that was a gift, feeling my hands between shirt and skin.

and i think about her hands on me, her hands moving to the dip in my back, her hands tracing my new scar, her hands on my hips claiming them, again, claiming them if only for that night, if only for right then, if only long enough to take the edge off both of us.

and i think of laying her down, of her kisses, of the way she smiles and her eyes and her hands in my hair curling and tugging and feeling all of her under all of me.

and i feel primal.

and i think of her teeth, of how they bite and how she sinks them into my shoulder to keep from being louder than she wants to be, louder than everything in her is telling her to be. and i think of her fingernails digging into my back and her heels pushing into me and god i want her.

it was never like this before her, never.

and i think of moving my hand and feeling her hair against my palm for the first time in months and then that wetness and it makes me want to growl again and no one has tapped this deep into me, no one has made me want them this badly before, no one has made part of my mind, part of my imagination, part of my drive go blind before in desire.

and thats what i want to do. i want to put my forehead on the pillow, my head next to hers, my eyes closed, blinded to everything except what i feel and what i hear and what i smell, her smell, her smell of perfume and soap and herself, her hair and her lips and i want to lose myself, blind myself to the rain or the snow or the absolutely perfect weather outside, forget the bills and everything that's due anytime and forget the problems, forget everything, just drive into her and with her and move and just be, god just be with her.

i want the edge taken off.

i don't want to miss her so badly.

i don't want to lay there with her talking and laughing and mumbling about our days and feeling muscles relax and i don't want to lay there wondering what else i can do to ask forgiveness for being an ass, to thank someone, anyone, for that chance to be with her again, the chance to make her smile, wondering what else i could do to make her happy, wondering when she'll leave again and i don't want to miss her this much.

i don't want there to be 1600 miles.

i don't want there to be the chance that nothing could ever happen again.