maybe they'd be easier if she told me that there was no chance of us ever happening again.

but instead she says she doesn't want anything to happen because she has to leave again.

and she says that she doesn't know if she can trust herself when she's around me.

so come december, i don't know what will happen. she knows where i sort of stand. that i'm not against anything happening, but if she doesn't want anything to happen, i'll behave as best i can.

sit on my hands so i don't touch her, stuff like that.

i don't tell her that i can imagine her coming back. us watching a movie together. getting her to lean against me. have her pull my arm across her body like she used to do. being tempted to kiss her but not because i don't know what she wants.

i don't know what she wants.

which is a lie, i know part of her doesn't want anything, again, not while she has to continue leaving.

and i think if i moved to arizona, i think but i'm not completely sure, i think if i moved, there'd be a chance for us.

i know she feels like i do in thinking that things ended way too soon with us. that what we had was strong and might have lasted a while.

last night i told her it was probably good it ended the way it did because this means that i couldn't fuck something up and make her hate me.

and she said she didn't think that could ever happen. and i said "oh, i'm an idiot some times, i do stupid things."

and she said "i know, but i put up with it when i was with you."

and it made me laugh.

i asked her, last night, what she would do if someone asked her out now. and she said she'd tell them no.

i said "oh, because i'm so horrible that i ruined you and now you never want to date again?"

and she said "yes, exactly, which is why i talk to you EVERY NIGHT."

she puts up with my bullshit so well, puts up with my moods and my stupid little habits and my weird behavior.