a hundred days for a lot to happen.

her to meet some guy who blows me out of the water (when i said this to her, she got angry at me and said shut up, no.), a hundred days for me to meet someone.

a hundred days for her to get tired of me calling at night just to say hi.

a hundred days.

three months.

she is still trying to take care of me, from there in arizona. telling me no, i shouldnt do something because it is so dangerous.

and i let it slip out tonight. i said i love you. she said dont say that. i said why not. she said because it makes me sad. because i'm here.

and it frustrates me so much that the reason for anything and everything is that there is distance.

1600 miles, i think she told me.

four states, at least.

a hundred days.

and kim and i talked last night, with kim crying during some of it. she says it hurts her when i act like she didnt like me when she dated me. that she knows she said horrible things, and she's sorry, but that i don't need to continue to rub it in.

and i told her i wasnt rubbing it in. i was being honest. that whenever im around her, i'm always constantly aware of this sharp pain inside me, however small it might be sometimes it is there, reminding me once i loved her with a part of myself i never showed anyone, and she told me i wasnt worth it, wasnt good enough.

and she cried.

telling me it was never that i wasn't good enough.

i won't ever believe her.

and emily, the more i talk to her, the more i know her, the more it sinks into me that she's probably one of the most amazing people i will ever know.

that she cares about me more than anyone else i know, too.

that she looks out for me when i dont. and when i dont deserve to be looked out for. that she'll put my happiness in front of her own.

and she doesnt see this as being great or amazing or treating me in any particularly great way. she sees it as just doing what is right.

and she is beautiful for it.

and i am tired.