we were talking, tonight, about the pajama bottoms i'm currently wearing.

i'm known for the holes in my clothes.

these pajama bottoms arent any different.

i've got a hole right in a centrally located area.

i told her this. and she said "well, maybe soon someone will use it for convience. easy access, you know."

and it just stumped me.

we started talking and i told her i don't like it when she talks like that, when she seems to down play what she means to me.

to just act like, after a week, i can get over her. i can start thinking about my next sexual conquest because, you know, these last three months meant little to me.

she said "i just don't want you to be disappointed in me."

"in what?"

"in that you may want something and i'll tell you no."

"then i'll just be disappointed myself."

"WHAT? dont say that!"

"well, i will be."

"why?"

"because i'll know there's no point in me asking, you've made it clear, but i'll ask anyway and you'll say no, so i'm at fault. not you."

"don't say that."

and we talked some more.

she's convinced it's right for me to be with "someone." that i'm meant to be with someone. she feels bad she's holding me back from that.

but she says she really misses me. in not these words but acknowledging them: that she still loves me.

and so i dont know.

it's only been a week.

in me, when i'm doing things, i think of her. when i'm having fun, when i'm happy, i think of her, and it's simple, it's just... things could be better if she was here.

i dont know how it will be in december, when she comes back.

i'm afraid i will ask her out. that i will try to woo her and sweep her off and her feet and she will look at me, look right at me, and say no.

i wish i stopped going so much by what i feel.

feelings are too up in the air, too easily changed and messed with and twisted.

but that's what i have and what i know.

and so either i try to trust this feeling i have, telling me i need to try to see where all this goes, or either i believe that where all this went was up to last week. nothing more.