i'm scared right now. more scared than i have been in a really long time.

things are changing.

im about to leave a job i've been at for over 2 years.

i have no idea where i'm going to work after that, nor when i'm going to find the time to find a place to work.

but more importantly than that:

emily is leaving soon.

in less than a month.

and the idea of it, the simple idea of it is enough to make my insides shrink.

it makes my stomach hurt and it makes me stay awake until the early hours of the morning.

i'm going to have to say goodbye to this amazing girl.

i'm going to have to let her walk out of my life.

i'm going to have to let her go, understanding that i might never see her again.

i'm terrified of how i'm going to react to seeing her leave.

it makes me wish i could find some flaw in her, something that makes me realize that we wouldn't last, even in the same city, much less with four states separating us.

the biggest flaw i can find, though, the biggest one is that she doesn't believe in herself enough.

she's motivated. she's funny. she's cynical but gets incredibly involved and attached to her movies.

she wants kids but is as scared as i am about having them.

she's an artist.

she laughs at me. she takes care of me. she throws things at me when she finds out i'm not eating much these days.

she makes me feel good about myself.

she's the first one, yall, she's the first person who i'm in a day-to-day contact with that i know, without doubt, is attracted to me.

even with kim, i wasnt sure about that.

she's not scared of being affectionate with me in public.

she gets excited about small things.

she gets frustrated with me.

she's making me believe in stuff i've sworn off.

she's scientific.

she's smart.

she's creative.

she makes me feel inferior in certain aspects.

she's vocal.

i wish we had more time together so i could find something in her that would make me realize we were doomed, no matter where we were.

but in this short time, im not going to find it. not in her.

i won't say she's everything i've ever wanted. i won't say she's the best thing to ever enter my life. i won't say i'm never going to love someone like i love her.

i don't know, anymore, about things like that. up until the end, kim could simply hold my hand and my body would tingle.

there have been women, before, who have taken parts of my heart.

but there's never been one, not like emily, there's never been one who is going without giving me a chance to fight for my heart back.

and im scared of her leaving.

i'm scared shitless.

i'm scared she's going to walk away that one last time with this piece of me i won't ever see again, and i'll look for it in every woman i meet after her.

i've been blinded before by my own damn youth. i've fallen hard foolishly and imagined it was it.

am i doing it now?

perhaps.

most likely.

and that's slightly reassuring. the idea that maybe it's just another giant crush i've let taken the best of my reasoning.

but what happens if, come three months, six months, a year, she's still on my mind?

she's still making me laugh, she's still making me feel like i'm something special, she's still there, in me?

im scared.

i'm scared.

it's 4 30 in the morning and i can't sleep.