oh, yesterday kristen and i had a bet, which will be continued at a later date, to hold a pile of napkins all night.

then we went outside and covered emily's car in paper plates. on her hood we put a nice little setting for a romantic dinner for two complete with candle holders.

in the middle of the setting i put an inflatable monkey.

as i was trying to open the monkey inflate package, i read the name outloud. which so happened to be monkey inflate.

"monkey inflate!" says i.

kristen laughed.

"that sounded like your super hero power! hahahaha!"

as i was blowing the monkey up, i started to sing a song.

it went a little something.... like this:

"my monkey is sticking."

i didnt realize i was singing until kristen, once again, laughed.

at me.

laughed at me.

then i wrote the monkey a sign to hold. it said "good eatins at emily's car served by pierre the monkey waiter."

when we got emily to come out (a few of us were hiding around the corner) i could see some people pull up next to her car, get out, and say, to emily "i'm going to have to ask..."

and she said "i have no idea." then saw us and yelled at us.

with her voice filled with love, of course.

emily, by the way, is great. she deserves someone better than me.

she puts up with my moods and doesnt try to change me.

there are times when i really dont like being a part of a group.

when i was with kim, she hated that. kim likes being in the middle of things, she likes the attention, she likes being fancy free and without thought.

i, on the other hand, am often grumpy. i tried making kim happy by being in groups, but then i would get grumpy and kim would call me on it and say i was bringing the group down and so i would get up and walk away.

and kim would let me go.

emily, on the other hand, never asks me to join the group. she says its a shame. she says she understands.

i stay away and instead of going to the vast number of other people, emily comes to me. makes me smile a little.

makes me smile a lot.

then we go back to the group.

i think it is nearing time for me to more or less cut kim out of my life. it is getting harder and harder for me to look at her and like her.

i dont think i can do it, though. i care too much about her and what not.

but, at the same time, it's such an uneven friendship.

i called her on the phone after she had driven away from work, she was five minutes away in her car, and i said "i wanted your company. i didnt care about getting food or anything, i just wanted to talk to you."

and she said "you should've told me before i left."

"i shouldn't have to tell you."

"well it's too late now."

"yes kim, it is. bye."

because, for kim, it is too much work to turn around and drive five minutes.

and if im going to be waking up at fucking 730 in the morning to drive an hour with her just because she's scared and wants anyone's company, i want a little more in return.

and emily doesn't think i can stay away from kim.

i told emily, in the car today, i said "but i would feel like an ass telling her i didnt want to be friends with her."

and emily grabbed my arm and put her head on my shoulder.

we sat on the hood of my car, watching a storm many miles off shoot lightning inbetween clouds, causing spurts of fire in the night lighting gray to orange for moments.

this entry, i apologize, it has been all over the place, but i need to rant and ramble about these two women.

emily is so amazing.

i'm losing her too soon.