it was pretty damn good. or so i think, at least, and she seems to agree.

it was... it was a good date. if i told the story the right way, it sounds as if i'm a complete ass and took her on a horrible horrible date.

for instance:

at one point we were caught outside in a quick, thick, hard downpour. she had to walk through mud to get back to my car.

but as we were sitting in the car, talking about this being our first date, she started laughing.

hard.

because we both realized that as odd as it might have been, we both really liked what happened on the date.

and in my heart is a silent countdown to arizona.

seventy million states away.

we're both really aware of what could happen. what is happening. and we're both scared about it.

she wants to keep going forward. and so do i.

but im so damn afraid. just to be honest about it.

i'm afraid that it is as good as it feels right now, and in four months i'm going to be stopping in the middle of a yard dead of night to close my eyes and smell her scent in the wind and then have to hug her for the last time in who knows how long.

im afraid i'm going to really let myself believe in this, for as short as it might be, and then have her pull away.

i'm really afraid of hurting her.

ah god i really love her company, too. so even if things just stay how they are, right now, with us just spending time together and just, more or less, being friends, even at that i'm going to miss the hell out of her when she goes to arizona.

im going to miss the way she laughs at me. and how easy it is to make her laugh.

im going to miss her saying that kills me.

im going to miss the way she plans things with me. how i can start making up some fantasy moment involving carrier pigeons and she'll play along.

im feeling like if i make one wrong move, one wrong step, the entire floor under me could crumble rumble fall down.

we talked tonight about whether or not we should keep going forward, even with our fears and with our worries and with everything else in the world.

we both think things could be really good, that we have something worth going forward with.

we just don't know how.

but, on the plus side:

she likes my hair.

says it is soft.