i have been told, recently, that i have too good of a heart. i have been told that when i become manager of the building, everyone will be much happier.

because i care so much.

and this is my downfall, my heart.

and i can trace it to a million different sources. i can tell you that, secertly, all i really want is someone to love me through all my phases.

through my freaking out moods, through my anger, through my self doubt.

i just want to put my heart completely into something or someone, just once, and not have it come back and bite me on the ass.

i hate doing things halfassed. and it's this stubbornness, this optimism in me, this belief in the things i feel, that make people like me.

but it's also what hurts me the most.

it's a magic, of sorts. when you go forward with your heart so much in front of you, when someone needs or wants something, when you can tell there's something you can do to make them happy, you do it.

you make magic happen, just to see them smile.

and so i have given up love. for the fifth time today. i have made the bold declaration of: never, i say never (because im foghorn leghorn), never will i fall in love again!

all the while knowing it is bullshit.

because my heart is bigger than my head.

because everyone needs magic.

and i know, as much as i want to fight it, i know someone will come along who will smile this wonderful smile.

and i know i'll be gone, again.

and maybe i was wrong thinking it was kim. maybe it is kim. maybe we'll never know, now, how it could've been, if it would've been different.

and there are as few things that hurt as much as knowing that, oh, if things had been different.

but the deal is, i've still got this heart. and i've still got this magic in me.

and people are great.

and that's a deadly combination.

and i guess you have to have faith that one day it will pay off.

theres got to be a reason for the optimism, eh?