if a few fingers on each hand were cut off, i could still count, on one hand, how many people i'm completely honest with.

i found out, today, that someone went behind my back to find out about me. it'd be different if they went to someone who knew me and asked about me (they've done that, too), but this was... more intrusive. they picked up something i was writing for kim, and read it.

which just shuts me off even more. it makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable.

and i think that's my biggest problem. i'm not open with people. i wish i was, more, so that way when i'm about to lose a friend, it's not such a big deal to me.

because i have other people to fall back on. i've got a greater support system, i guess.

but i don't.

there's a select few, and when one of them pulls away, i'm left scared. nervous even.

because i can't keep things stored in me. if i do, it eats away, kills me, worries me too much.

like right now. if you were to ask me when was the last time i ate a decent, well balanced meal, i couldn't tell you.

maybe thursday. if then.

days go by and i just drink. if i have liquid in my stomach, i could go all day without eating.

i do it routinely.

knowing that if i was anyone else i cared about (and i care about a lot of people, even if i don't let them in), i would be pissed off at the way they were treating themselves.

that was a tangent.

there's so many little things about my past that make me the way i am.

my sister's death. my mom's depression.

my mom even before my sister's death.

i'm trying to be simple and honest about this, but there's no way to be.

there are people here i love. people here i would do anything for. people here i really enjoy spending time with.

but i can't talk to them.

i am losing a friend, for an indefinite period of time. it might be a week, it might be for the rest of my life.

the point is, i am losing a friend.

and at the same time, im impossibly blessed. i have these people around me who, i know, would be there for me if i took the step.

but i havent.

i cant.

there's no graceful, easy, verbose, memorable way for me to let you go.

there's no easy way for me to give up.

there's no easy way for me to let someone i trust completely walk away.

if i had more pride, maybe.

but i don't.

i'm just me.

and that's never enough.