it came to me while i was trying to fall asleep in the living room. roommate went to sleep tonight before i did, which meant i wasnt even going to try it.

i thought about how saturday was a really bad day for me. a lot of things added up. i got called into work early because one manager overslept. i was dealing with stock going to other buildings. i was trying to keep payroll down and my employees happy.

and things just kind of started snapping. one by one by one. this employee said one thing, this one said another, i couldn't get enough space.

a few people cornered me and asked if i was okay.

i sat on a couch, kim sat down next to me, got up, talked to a group of other people for a while, came back.

one thing led to another and she grabbed my hand, made me walk down the hall to a secluded corner to get me to talk.

she said you can tell me anything.

and i said no, no i can't.

and she said like what.

tonight i wanted to tell her. it's not that i can't tell her these things, it's that i don't believe she wants to hear them at that time.

i know she doesn't want me to tell her how there are times, still, when i wake up and really want to feel her next to me in bed.

that there are times she'll laugh and look at me and i just want to kiss her collarbone through her shirt.

that when she hugs me, i hate that she lets go so much sooner than i want her to.

i was going to tell her that, tonight.

instead, she had a really good night. a really good night. she was excited and couldn't stop telling me about everything that had happened.

and it was great. i knew she was smiling and i was laughing and she kept telling me to stop laughing, but i just told her she was great.

she finally wound down, after talking a long bit, and said i feel like im talking a lot.

i said you are. but it's good.

and she asked me about my day, so i began telling her.

i told her how i slept on the couch, and the roommate asked me if it was because of snoring, which led into this discussion where in it was told that i make little noises at night.

for the record, i have been known to bark in my sleep. i have also woken up almost singing, and i have woken up telling stories.

i told kim, and kim said yeah, you do, but not enough to wake anyone. i'd wake up and then just roll over and go back to sleep.

i told kim about this spy equipment i bought (i can hear you now! ha!), which, now that i think about it, seems to be the exact opposite of what i need to solve my sleep problems.

and, before i could tell her what i had stored up all day, she had to leave. and i told her i have something to tell you, it's about saturday.

and she said oh. okay. i'm sorry. i'll have more time tomorrow.

and i said okay.

and goodbye.

and i love you.

because i do.

and it's sickening, sometimes, and it's painful.