what i remember is following someone, i think it was my boss, down the interstate. it was raining.

i took the outside of a curve too fast, i went off the road and up an incline.

i lost control, went off the incline (which, i guess, was actually a ramp).

i remember holding the steering wheel and feeling the car do a roll in the air. i remember being upside down and looking at the trees i was about to land into.

and i remember my thoughts.

i thought... well, maybe i'll survive. maybe it wont be too bad. if nothing else, i'll wake up and i won't remember anything.

and i thought... no. i'm not going to survive this. i'm dying.

and i remember the way i felt knowing this.

seeing the branches move closer and closer.

seeing my hands let go of the steering wheel.

and i thought... this can't be all. this can't be all. i know there's more.

and my eyes closed.

and i, in my dreaming mind, felt the impact, felt the way the hood crumpled and the way the glass shattered into gummy flakes.

and i opened my eyes. and there was the trunk and the ground.

i woke up.

choking on this film that's coating my throat. choking on my cries.

curling up into a little ball with my back hurting and my heart hurting and my head hurting.

and it all still hurts.

especially my heart.

and i'm afraid of sleep, but i'm more afraid of the time passing while i'm awake.

i'm afraid of what tomorrow will bring and what it may not bring.

i'm afraid i'm not worth it, when it boils down to the bottom of the pot.

i'm afraid.

i'm afraid.

i'm so god damn fucking afraid.