wednesday my dog died.

they tell me (for i was an hour away and not there) that my dad heard ed yelp. he went out back to check on him, and ed was laying there. couldn't move his back legs.

by the time he got to the vet, he was really out of it. he wouldn't have lasted the night.

they think it was a doggie stroke.

he was put down.

he was 17 years old. AT THE VERY LEAST. which means he could've been older.

i kind of thought this would be the way he'd die. my dad and i didnt have the heart to just take him to the vet, get him put asleep, when he was seemingly healthy. it had to be a sudden, bam, thing.

and it bam. he's no longer here.

friday i went to the library, came back. i got out of the car, shut it, and as much as i know that edgar is gone, that he's dead... it used to be, when the car would pull into the driveway, edgar would walk over to the back gate and look. sometimes he would bark, sometimes make some doggie noises.

friday i heard his whimpering at the gate. friday. after he had gone. and it hit me right then.

i told kim that story, later that night. and we were in my car, on break. i almost started crying. and she could tell. i looked back up, over to her, and her eyes were filled.

i had to look away, then quickly turn the subject to something that would make her laugh.

tonight i gave her a note i had written many times in my mind and only on paper earlier today.

in it i had wrote a bunch of sappy junk i won't repeat here but will say that in it i admitted, or finally told her, that i loved her.

once i say those words, once and only then, will i be a real adult, i think.