i would give anything to feel you under me.

your fingers along my back. your breath against my neck.

but more than that. to have you fall asleep next to me, curled up against me, on me.

while you fall asleep, to get you to laugh gently. quietly. exhausted from the day, from the night. knowing i am the one who gets to see you like that.

the one who gets you to laugh, then.

i say "popeye and i are very similiar. no, listen, see, we both have thin upper arms, tattoos on the forearms, unusual strength at times, a woman we would defend with our life, and, of course, we both carry tin cans of spinach in our shirts."

just to see you grin as you fall asleep.

there are times i wish i smoked. like now. i would go outside and sit on the patio, my back against the bricks. i would smoke slowly, half ignoring the dog, half ignoring the wind and the sky.

to brush your hair off your face. to brush your hair off my face, when you prop yourself over me. to watch you brush your hair, knowing you enjoy it the way you do. to brush it myself. to lose the brush halfway through and to take to kissing your neck, your shoulders, anywhere.

everywhere.

to feel you take my hand to lead me across the room, across the creek, across the dawn stained front lawn.

to feel you lean, back first, into my embrace as i lean against a car. waiting. my head on your shoulder.

to see you look at me with those eyes, those eyes only a few special people will see in your life.

to know, really know, all of this is impossible.

to fear that i use someone because they remind me of you somehow.

to know you, and whoever she might be, deserves better.

to still, god dammit, feel you on me as i fall to sleep. your warmth, your comfort, your love, your safety, your completeness.

i am wrong for wanting all this, for wanting more. and maybe wrong isnt the correct word. maybe wrong is too harsh, too self-debasing. because it is never wrong to love someone, is it. this, underneath the lust and love, underneath it, i do love you. and that is not wrong.

but it is wrong, not right, off the mark, askew, akimbo, for me to look to you like this. isnt it?

convince me it is.