she didn't know i was there.

i sat there, crouched there, listening through the walls as she weeped, having no fucking idea what to do.

i thought maybe she was just crying.

but then she mentioned pills. she mentioned how she couldn't feel her legs now.

i stood up. paced.

i was going to call jennifer to come, tell her to take control of this.

but i didnt.

i paced.

i left.

i went into the hall, i went to the stairwell, the door which i knew made a whiny sound when it shut. i pushed it open and let it close.

the whiny sound was there.

i stomped to the door i just came out of.

i made a big show of opening it. letting it close by slamming it shut.

i stomped around, went to the bathroom, flushed the toilet. stomped to her door.

knocked.

she hung up on her boyfriend.

answered.

she wasnt crying.

she was walking. she wasnt slurring her speech. she apologized for the fight, which i slept through. she apologized for the act. said she did not realize anyone was around.

i asked if she was ok.

i didnt know what to do. i didnt know how to ask about the pills.

she said boys were stupid. she was alright. she would be alright.

she left.

i stood in her room.

i let her leave.

i looked around. found an open bottle of pills. a little more than halfway filled.

i dont know if she took any. i havent seen her since.

i'm scared to go back. i'm scared to call. i'm scared to tell anyone.

if she did something, and i knew, and i just let her leave...

i am a coward. and weak.

i want to find her. i want her to be, if not smiling, i just want her to be there. i want to know she was saying all that to get her boyfriend to come back, not because she actually meant it.

i want to know i didnt fail her.

i did fail her, though, either way.

because i let her fucking leave.

i'm going to go find her now.

hopefully.

i will head back there. i will make sure there are no messages telling me anything bad. i will leave a note on her door, if she is not there.

i will not sleep tonight.