well, i guess it all depends on your definition of coming close to death.

when i was born the umblicial cord was wrapped around my neck. almost died then, yup.

i was my moms third pregnancy, first successful full term pregnancy, and then i had to go and almost die on birth on her.

i think its safe to say we're both glad i didnt.

then there's another time i dont really talk about much.

happened after my sister died, cemented in me the belief that she was watching over me.

walking across the street, more or less right where she herself was hit by a car, i was distracted.

i heard my name called, so i stopped, looked behind me.

saw no one. saw no windows open. turned back around, there was a car not even a foot away from me, barreling past.

i could see into it. the lady driver was bent over, fiddling with her radio.

she never saw me.

i was a foot away from being hit by a car, a foot away from, possibly, dying the exact same death my sister had.

that split second of looking back to check on who called my name halted me enough for the car to pass.

i told the girl this story once.

think it shook her up more than it did me.

other things have happened, but those are the two main ones. so i feel like im living on borrowed time.

i dont talk about it a lot, but i think of my death. i sort of have the feeling it'll be through an illness. a slow wasting away.

everytime i get sick, a part of me cramps up because i wonder if maybe this is it.

august of 2000 really scared me.

this is part of my bravado when it comes to illnesses. i dont take medicine because i think thats a sign of weakness. i dont take medicine because im afraid that one day i'll NEED to take medicine.

right now i am sick. and i am worried more than i need to be.

it would help if i took vitamin c.

and i aint talking about the singer.

OR AM I. hahahaha.

woo.

i need to sleep.

its odd, you know, to think about the parts of life that you almost werent. or others almost werent.

one little move and i would have never met the girl.

one little move and i would have never written.

one little move and i would have never heard house of the holy.

one little move and i would have never danced.

one little move and i would have never dreamed.

never felt the grass never seen the rain never watched fog roll by and make love to the street lamps.

im blessed.

maybe living on borrowed time.

which just makes the next orange even juicier, the next dot even chewier, the next her even sweeter.