meeting fairly, by the by, is introducing ourselves as strangers. "hi, i'm crayon" "hey, im "

but we didnt. she saw me, and learned of me through other devices. people, friends, reading things i'd written.

she needed someone to love her. through her life i dont know if anyone ever looked her in the eye and said hey, always unconditionally.

and meant it.

from what she gathered, through people, friends, reading things i'd written, i would give that.

maybe i would have. there aren't many good things i'll truly say about myself, but i think, when it comes down to it, i'm pretty accepting of people.

and i love them easily.

she decided it was time for me to meet her. she believed she knew me. she believed she had fallen for me. she believed it would be a matter of time for me falling for her.

what few people count on, though, is that when it comes down to it, unexpected adoration scares me.

because it is misplaced. i'm not who i present myself to be. i'm not great, i'm not kind, i'm not super. i'm nothing more than a kid trying to atone for things i don't know i'll ever atone for.

so when someone comes on, as strong as she did, i collapse. she doesnt know me, she wouldnt really like me, i'll hurt her more in the long run, she needs to be gently redirected.

there are very few people who know who i really am. and if one of them turned out to be in love with me, i'd question their sanity, but i'd be a lot more comfortable with it because they knew me.

she didnt.

honestly, she didnt really want to know me. she just wanted that love it looked like i could give.

for a moment i tried giving my own type of love. i tried listening to her. i tried helping her out. i tried being there for her. as a friend.

but it came across as more than a friend. i stepped up the distance maker.

somehow she realized i wasnt interested. she stopped talking with me as often as she did. she started going her own way.

before she did she thanked me, in her own way, for being there.

then she removed herself from my life.

i missed her. i miss her. we could've been good friends, in other circumstances.

if we had met on equal ground.

i think about her, now and then. i hope someone gave her whatever she thought she needed.

i think about that, too. it makes me sad. she was so needy for it.

the last time she came into my life was to tell me she had fallen in love. i wondered, for a while. how much she really was in love and how much it was he was giving a little of that love. i worried.

but i let her be.

i don't know what's happened since. its been a while since we saw each other, since we called, since we've talked.

i hope it became not a matter of looking to someone else to give her that attention she craved, but looking inside.

as for me, i dont want people falling for me.

i've never met someone who couldnt do better than me. i've never met someone who didn't deserve more.

and this is why i'll probably remain single for the rest of my life.

i'm alright with that, if it means i know she's not settling.

never settle.

especially for the crayon.