which i could never do. never hate her.

so we talked. for a good long bit.

we finally talked.

we talked about her not responding to me, that she never has time for me, that its not enough.

"why isnt it?"

"you give me more than that. you deserve more than that."

"listen, have you not been really busy lately?"

"i have crayon, but i could have made time."

we talked about how i never lied when i said i'd rather her put school and work and volunteering ahead of me. i know ill always be here and shell always be there and all ive ever needed to know is that she wants me to wait.

i realize now i meant to say is all ive ever need to know is that she wants me.

there or around or however.

we talked about how she doesnt want me to wait around for her, she wants me to move forward.

she would feel better if i held a grudge. told her i couldnt, it would hurt me too much.

ive tried. ive tried being mad or upset that shes gone. but i cant do it.

told her i realize i took her for granted. think that surprised her. told her, yeah, i know now that my day, my life, can only be complete unless i somehow can share it with her. and when im not sure if im getting it across, im thrown off balance.

she said i deserved more than that.

i told her it wasnt the response. i dont need a response to every thing. it was more... in the response she would talk a bit bout what she thought, felt, what was happening to her, too.

she said she was sorry. really sorry. shes fallen into a habit she'll have to change, because she doesnt like how shes treating me.

she wishes i had brought this up. she could feel it in my letters but she couldnt respond.

she couldnt explain why.

and she is still beautiful to me.

i need to talk to her again, soon. see how it all feels and flows the night after.

im glad we talked yo. settled somethings. still, there are things left unsettled, and ill be damned if she shifts the weight completely unto her shoulders. we're both at fault here, and still, and to the day i die, i will always want to carry most of the weight.

and i will always think her the better of us two.