but i cant sleep.

i need to talk to her.

but shes asleep. so ill probably remain awake until i can talk.

or i say that, and i will sleep, for maybe two hours. and then wake. and go through my day and see if i can talk to her.

just tell me where i stand. where i fit in your life now.

i need to know dammit.

i cant continue on this way. feeling like an ass if i remove myself from you. feeling like an ass for hurting because i know its not a matter of you not having time as much as you not making time.

and god dammit tell me. just tell me.

i love you, yeah, and now i can say yeah, maybe i once was in love with you, but i cant take this.

and i think i realized right then that i was partly mad at you because you made me not be in love with you.

im sick.

and im going to push myself this afternoon. doing three hours more of work than i need to. or have to. working on a portfolio. evading.

invasive.

i would give up everything i dream for in this moment. i would give up that house that hasnt been built, that woman's fingernails i havent felt scrape down my side, that child, that pet, that profession.

i would give it all up.

for what?

to prove i could. and i would.

i can see myself taking up smoking, taking up drinking, working 9-7 monday through saturday, eating take out delivery frozen food, sleeping four hours a night.

and not caring.

and this scares me.

fuck.

dont damn tell me im unique.

listen. she says im unique. i say im just me, nothing more nothing less. she says she loves rich. i say ive got to go.

why the hell am i the rock, the hero, the quiet stranger that no one ever knows the name of?

fuck.

im confused yo.

youre not there anymore. and if i asked you to be there i think you would come running. but im too proud to ask.

and i can remember the times i didnt need to ask.

fuck.

tonight. tonight. we need to talk.

please have the time for me.

thats all i pray for.