my dad was at work.

they didnt wake me, ask me if i wanted to help.

they know better.

i havent helped with putting up a christmas tree in i dont know how many years.

its a strong source of pain and bitterness in me. i make myself disappear as soon as that box comes out.

we have a fake tree. we had a fake tree as i was growing up, until my cat tore it down, and then we got a real tree. for one christmas. then it was back to the fake ones.

i wont say i hate christmas trees, because i dont.

its just... putting them up.

once theyre up, i love em. i love laying under the tree, looking up, getting lost in the lights late at night.

and i cant wait till i can be a little kid again. i cant wait till i put up a tree with love in my heart, with no memory of the fights, of the yellings. just the idea that im doing this because its ours.

ours. what a great word that can be. if i only let it.

al's ok. her cars pretty much fucked up, but shes ok. her mom talked with me for a while about it. about her. about me.

my cousin was sick, so i couldnt take her out tonight. i felt bad. her mom felt bad. the kid wouldnt even come out of her bedroom to see us.

i really wanted to spend time with her. get to know her. there's something behind that smile.

i dont know if i would wish for one more day. i'd rather know that im making today count.

the kid at the ticket booth sort of grabbed my hand, held on to it a tad bit too long. so i made small talk. but the sister was in the car, as well, and that's just sort of weird.

i am seeing becca in less than ten hours.

the girl dropped by last night long enough to tell me she was working and wished me a good thanksgiving.

i told my sister i needed to borrow something of hers, to make a gift. the sister asked for who, i said im not telling, she asked if it was for the girl.

hesitated a moment. told her no. cause its not.

ah me. just wish i could actually talk with her yo.

i do. but then again i dont. give it time they say. i say. give it time and things will return to how they were. give it time and shell have the time and youll have the time.

just give it time.

heres when we see how patient i can be.

and when becca asks me tomorrow how i am, and she will ask even though we talked last night, will i say my grandpa's dying and im a coward. will i say i think im losing my best friend but im not sure and it kills me to even question that. will i say im damn jealous of john being with you. will i say the christmas tree came up and i hate it.

i might.

and another chapter in my book comes to an end.

but mights arent positive.